If Love Were Enough
by girlinterrupted22
Summary: Addie & Alex are getting married, but Addie has some doubts about her worthiness in the whole situation. Will she get the miracle that she is praying for? Pairings include Addex, Gizzie, and MerDer.
1. I Didn't Mean To Lie

**a.n.-This story follows my last fic, "If You Were". You don't have to read both to understand the main story line, but it might be helpful.**

I leaned over the railing to look out over the water, reaching back to take my hair out of it's clip. "My rings from Derek are floating around here somewhere. Or should I say sinking? Like the marriage?"

"You're thinking about that now?" Meredith asked, swatting me playfully in the arm.

"Don't I have to?" I answered, shooting her a quick look before glancing out over the water. "Hello? Getting married in two weeks?"

"Exactly," she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from the railing to a nearby bench. "So I'm sort of thinking now may not be the best time to think about that first marriage. Just a thought."

I held back a snort of laughter. "Is this weird for you?"

"What?"

"Talking about my marriage to Derek."

"We aren't," she shrugged. "At least, you aren't."

"Point taken, point taken."

I rummaged through my bag and pulled out a paper clipped bundle of pictures. Flipping through them, I looked at the bridesmaid's dresses. "You like them, right? I mean, the colors okay?"

"Addie," she said, "the colors are fine. Everything's fine. I don't know what you're so worried about."

I shook my head, shoving the pictures back into my purse before I could look at them yet again. My cell phone rang, and I picked it up, looking at the Caller ID. _Alex._ I pushed the silence button and shoved it down into the bottom of the bag.

"Addie?"

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked gently.

"Nothing," I replied a little too quickly. "I'm fine."

"People who say 'I'm fine' in that manner and tone of voice are never fine," she insisted. "Now you called me, and you wanted to talk, so spill."

I picked at the loose skin around my thumb nail as I said, "I'm just scared, Mer, I'll be okay."

"What are you scared of?"

"This whole thing, getting married, talking…being honest."

"You haven't told him, have you?"

"How do I tell the love of my life that I'm being told I will never have his child? I mean, how do you say that to someone?" I threw my hands in the air in frustration. "I feel like a failure, I feel like something's wrong with me…like I'm not whole, like I'm not enough woman for him, I mean, how do I tell him that?"

"Exactly like you just said it sounds okay. You can't have kids, Addie, that doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you can't have kids. And honestly, there are millions of kids out there waiting to be adopted. If it's really what you guys want…"

"I don't know what I want," I replied. "I had this stupid idea in my head that I might be pregnant, but, of course, I'm not. I can't be. Ever."

"You need to tell him. You need to tell him," she repeated. "You can't get married without telling him."

"Pretty much figured that out," I nodded. "I'll do it tonight. I promise."

OooooooooooooooO

It was three nights before when we had the first talk.

_"I know what she said," I whispered, unwrapping the test from the package. "But I know what I feel too. And I know that I'm late. So maybe we'll get lucky. Miracles can happen, Miracles can happen to me. I have hope."_

_I pulled the instructions out of the box and unfolded them. Pee on a stick. Wait five minutes. "Two pink lines equals a baby. I could go for a baby."_

_I followed the instructions, placing the test on the bathroom counter. I looked at my watch. "Four minutes and fifty eight seconds."_

_"Hey," Alex said, sticking his hand in the bathroom. "What are you doing?"_

_I whipped around with my back to the counter, dropping the box into the garbage behind me with one hand, and using the other to shove the test into the sink. "Nothing. Woman stuff."_

_"Which is it?" he laughed. Craning his neck, he tried to look into the sink. "Whatcha got there?" _

_As he reached around me, I tried to swat his hand. "Alex, I…"_

_He latched on to the test and pulled it out of the sink. "A pregnancy test?" he cried excitedly. "Addie, are we…?"_

_We both looked down at the test. One pink line. No baby. "No," I whispered, pulling the test out of his hand and chucking it into the garbage. "We aren't."_

_"Oh." He hung his head for a minute before coming closer to me and pushing me into a sitting position on the counter. "Oh," he said again, his voice taking on a sexier quality. "We could fix that."_

"Hey, Addie," Alex said, shutting the front door of the apartment as he threw his bag on the floor. "What are you up to?"

"Not much," I answered, folding my legs up underneath me on the couch. "I just...Can we talk about something?"

"Sure." He hung his jacket on the hook behind the door and came over to the couch, dropping beside me. "What's up?"

"The other night…what you walked in on…"

"What do you mean? The pregnancy test thing?"

"Yeah…I…" I stumbled on my words, feeling the thickness of everything I hadn't said flood my mouth.

"It's okay that you aren't. After you're married, we'll have all the time in the world for that. We don't have to worry about it now."

"That's the thing, Alex," I said down to pillow in my lap, unable to meet his eyes. "We…don't."

"What do you mean?" His handsome features creased into a frown of confusion.

"I don't think…I had some tests done…I…"

Alex grabbed my chin as I stuttered and turned my face to his. "It's okay. You can say whatever it is, it won't change anything."

"I can't have kids."

"Ever?"

"Probably not. My counts were way down when I had tests done a couple years ago, it just doesn't seem that I'm very…fertile."

"And the other night?"

"I was hoping," I responded, smiling weakly. "I was hoping they were wrong."

"Okay," he nodded. "Okay."

"Are we okay?"

"I guess," he answered, much less enthusiastically than I was hoping for. "I just need…to think." He got up off the couch and went to the screen door that led to the deck. One hand on the door, he turned to face me over his shoulder. "I just feel sort of lied to," he mumbled before opening the door and disappearing onto the deck.


	2. No More Secrets

I was sitting up in bed when Alex came back inside. "I didn't mean to lie to you," I whispered. "Not intentionally. But every time I tried to tell you, I just…"

"Omitted the crucial points," he finished. "Whatever. I just want to go to bed, okay?"

"Alex, I…"

"I want to go to bed, Addie. That's all I want right now." He turned off the light and burrowed under the covers, facing the wall away from me.

"I love you," I whispered.

There was no answer.

I laid my head on the pillow and rolled over to face the opposite wall. Tears streamed down my face, and I pressed the blanket up to my mouth to muffle the sobs.

"It's not that you can't have kids, Addie," Alex said quietly. "That's not why I'm upset right now. It's just that…you didn't tell me. We're getting married. You should tell me things."

I wrapped myself up in the blanket, got up, and went down the hall to the bathroom. I turned the lock and sank down to the floor, letting the tears dissolve into memories.

_"Two pink lines," I gasped. "Two pink lines. This is…This is not good." I threw the used pregnancy test in the trash can and ripped open a second test. "This is very simple. Pee on stick. Wait five minutes. One pink line. One. Who needs a pair, right?"_

_I peed on the stick and set it up on the sink. "I miss Derek," I said to no one in particular. "I'm still married to Derek. I could get Derek back if I really wanted to. I'm sure I could."_

_I checked on the stick. Still no line. I put my face in my hands and silently counted the minutes until I could look at the test again. Reaching up, I pulled the stick into my lap and stared at it. "Two pinks lines," I whispered. "Two. I'm having Mark's baby. No…I'm not, I can't, I can't have Mark's baby, I…"_

"I made a mistake…" I said, staring at the used test in the trash can. "I made a mistake, and now Alex hates me."

OooooooooooooO

I brought a stack of files with me to the cafeteria for lunch the next. Pencil behind my ear, I was paging through them when Meredith sat down across from me.

"Hey," she said situating her tray to avoid littering my papers.

"Hey," I replied without looking up.

"I brought you pudding," she said, pushing the cup across the table to me with a little plastic spoon. "I thought you'd like that."

I closed the file I was looking at and set it aside. Ripping the silver lid off of the pudding cup, I stuck the spoon in and stirred it around.

"How'd it go?" Meredith asked, shoving a fistful of sandwich into her mouth.

"Not quite as bad as I thought. Not wonderful, though, but not as bad as I thought."

"That's…good then?" she asked hesitantly.

"We're sort of talking. Well, I'm talking. He's most sulking. I think I would be sulking too right now if I was him. And if you say I told you so, I will personally come across this table and bop you."

"I won't then," she answered, squeezing my hand as she shoved more of her sandwich into her mouth.

Izzie came into the room and crossed over to our table, lowering herself into a chair.

"Iz," Meredith laughed, "would you be insulted if I called you huge?"

"If I wasn't so tired," she laughed back. "I feel huge, I look huge…I know I'm huge. No argument here."

"You have what, one month to go?" I asked, finishing off the last of my pudding.

"Yup. It's exciting, not knowing boy or girl. George and I are trying to pick out names for both. Doug is excited to be a big brother. Everyone's excited, I guess."

"Sure," I smiled, shooting over Meredith's head to throw my pudding cup in the trash. "I've got a patient to prep for surgery, so I guess I'll see you guys later."

"Izzie," I heard Meredith hiss as I walked away. "You shouldn't have said…"

I pushed through the swinging door and ran right into Alex. "Addie!" he exclaimed. Grabbing me by the shoulder, he steered me out of hallway traffic. "Can we talk for a second?"

I nodded, unsure if I should say anything at all.

"I just…" his voice trailed off. "Addison, if we're going to get married, there can't be anymore secrets, okay? No more secrets."

"Okay," I replied. "Are we…okay?"

"I love you, Addie," he said by way of answer.

"I love you too." I wrapped my arms around him, and he leaned in to give me a gentle kiss. "No more secrets," I confirmed.


	3. No Time Like The Present

I turned around to face the door, giving Izzie privacy to change back into her clothes.

"Okay," she said, as she settled back onto the exam table fully clothed. "Now what do you know?"

I sat down beside her. "I'm sure it's just Braxton Hicks contractions, Izzie, it's false labor."

"But I never really had the false labor pains with Doug at all," she protested, "and I trust you, but...I don't know. It's just uncomfortable."

"Iz, it's okay. You're at 34 weeks. You know that a baby born after 34 weeks will do just fine." I gave her hand a quick squeeze. "It's entirely possible the baby may come early, but that's okay. From the looks of it, you may not make it to 40 weeks. You just need to relax just a little bit for me, all right?"

"I'll try, I'm just worried. I'm a worrier."

"Do me a favor?" I asked. "One I know you won't like?"

"What's up?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Stop working. Take the rest of the time until the baby is due off?"

Izzie rolled her eyes. "I hate sitting at home, especially when George is here all the time. I'm too big and huge to do anything, I can't even really play with Doug. I just feel lousy."

I shook my head. "Go home, Izzie. Meredith and I will come over tonight and you can help with some of the final touches on wedding stuff. You won't be alone for long."

"Okay," she said, her voice filling with resignation. "But you promise you guys will come by later? George has a late surgery today, he won't be home till after dinner. I could cook," she begged.

"We could get take-out," I argued. "You should be resting. We'll bring chow."

OooooooooooooO

"Hi, beautiful," Alex whispered, putting his hands across my eyes.

"Hey," I answered, shoving aside the file I was working on. "I'm going over to Izzie's tonight with Meredith. We're going to work on some last minute wedding stuff, seating charts and stuff."

"I was coming to tell you that I was going out with Derek," he laughed, "so I guess it sort of works out."

"I guess it does," I said, turning my head as he leaned around me for a quick kiss.

He reached over me and pulled a picture off the desk. "Wow," he said. "How come I never noticed this before?"

I took the picture away and put it back down. "That's Callie and I, taken a couple weeks before she died. We were just being silly that day. I sort of wish she was here, you know? I mean, before Meredith and I became friends…she's the first person who would have been here for all the wedding stuff."

"I'm sorry, Addie."

"Me too. It's been a long time though."

Derek stuck his head into the office. "I thought I'd find you here," he said to Alex. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah!" he answered, giving me another quick peck. "I'll see you later at home, okay?"

I nodded, and started to laugh as the door opened and shut once more within seconds of Alex leaving, and Meredith appeared.

"What's so funny?" she asked, flopping into the chair in front of my desk.

"Revolving office door," I replied. "One of those you had to be there moments."

"Ah. So I ordered pizza. We just have to pick it up in fifteen minutes, and then we can go to Izzie's."

I shoved the files off of the desk into my briefcase. "Just let me get all of my stuff together, and I'll be all set. I bent down to the bottom drawer of the cabinet to get my purse out, but when I stood up, my head was swimming.

"Hey, you okay?" Meredith asked.

I steadied myself against the filing cabinet. "I'm fine. I think I just stood up too fast."

"You're bone white, Addie, are you sure? Maybe you should sit down for a second."

"I'm good," I insisted, shaking my head to clear out the fuzzy stuff. "Let's just go."

OoooooooooooooO

"Thank god you're here!" Izzie exclaimed from her position on the couch. "I'm bored to tears."

"It's only been, like, four hours, Iz. How are you going to last a couple more weeks?" Meredith threw her coat over an armchair and sat down next to Izzie.

"Tell that to my doctor," Izzie answered pointedly.

"Uh-huh," I laughed, carrying the pizza boxes into the kitchen.

Izzie followed me, reaching up into the cupboard to get some plates down. "Seriously. You have to give me something to do, Addie. I'm going to go totally nuts."

As I opened the pizza box, the black dots swarmed my vision again, and I felt myself sway slightly. I closed my eyes and gripped the edge of the counter.

Izzie grabbed my elbow, alarm flickering across her features. "Addie?" she said softly. "Are you okay?"

My legs turned to jelly, and I felt myself sinking to the ground despite Izzie's best efforts to hold me up.

"Meredith!" Izzie yelled. "Get in here, now!"

Meredith skidded into the kitchen coming to a stop on the ground in front of me. "Addie? Can you hear me?"

I struggled to focus my vision. Izzie lowered herself down to the floor next to me, holding a cool cloth on the back of my neck. My head felt really heavy and as I slumped the rest of the way to the ground, Meredith steered my head into her lap.

"Addie?" she repeated.

"I'm okay," I whispered.

Izzie wiped away the beads of sweat from my forehead, sweeping my hair back out of my eyes. "You look okay," she said sarcastically. "You're sprawled on my disgusting kitchen floor, like, two seconds from losing consciousness. You're really fine, Addie."

I pushed myself back up, propping on myself on Meredith.

"Spill," she insisted, looking directly into eyes. "Spill now, or I'm calling Alex and we're taking you to the hospital to get checked out."

I looked to Izzie for support. "Don't look at me," Izzie said. "Do what the woman says."

I sighed in exasperation. "I'm fine, guys, I promise. I just… "

"What?" Meredith asked.

"I think…I…I just, I don't want to jinx it."

Meredith narrowed her eyes at me. "No way."

"What?" Izzie asked.

"No way," Meredith repeated.

I looked away. "Yes way," I whispered. "I think…"

"You're…" Meredith started.

"Pregnant?" Izzie finished, finally catching on. "You're pregnant?"

I nodded slowly. "I think I might be. But I'm terrified of jinxing it, I didn't want to say anything."

"When did you find out?" Meredith asked. "How long have you been keeping this from me?"

"I don't know…for sure yet," I said hesitantly. "I took a home test a week ago, but it was negative. Maybe I took it too early, I don't know. I'm scared to take another one, I don't want it to say no."

"I know you want this, Addison," Meredith said gently. "I know it's scary. But you have to take the test."

"We should do it now," Izzie interjected. "I think I have an extra home test under the bathroom sink."

Meredith snorted. "You keep a pregnancy test under the bathroom sink?"

Izzie gestured to her expansive belly. "I got a two pack," she laughed.

Meredith looked at me. "You ready? You've got your two best friends here, Addie, there's no better time."

I nodded, extending a hand and letting Meredith pull me to my feet. "There's no time like the present, I guess," I surrendered, letting my best friend lead me into the bathroom.


	4. You Don't Get To Be Sorry

"You totally have to help me up off of this floor," Izzie said. "There's no way I'm getting up on my own."

Pointing at one of the kitchen chairs, Meredith said to me, "You. Sit." She reached down and hauled Izzie to her feet.

Izzie waddled down the hall and into the bathroom. "Yup," she called back to us. "I've still got one in here."

"I'm not doing it, Mer," I said as Izzie padded back down the hall. "I'm not doing it."

"You have to take the test, Addie," she answered. "I mean, not to be harsh, but you either are or you aren't."

Izzie offered the box to me. "Isn't it better to know than to spend all this energy wondering? What's the problem with knowing?"

"I don't know," I snapped, "maybe that the answer has always been known and I'm scared to death? Maybe that?"

"Addie," Izzie said a little more gently, "just take the test."

"Do you want me to come with?" Meredith offered.

"To watch me pee?" I retorted. "I can pee on a stick."

"We'll be right here then," she said quietly.

I went into the bathroom and pulled the test out of the box. "This looks pretty much the same," I muttered. "Pee on a stick. Wait five minutes. Two lines pregnant. One line not."

I followed the instructions and placed the test on the counter. I sank down onto the floor in the middle of the rug.

_"Mark?"_

_"Yeah, Addie?"_

_"I have to tell you…I…"_

_"What's up?" he asked, dropping into the chair next to mine._

_"I'm going to Seattle, Mark. I'm going after Derek. I have to. He's my husband."_

_"What about us?" he asked._

_"What about us?" I replied. "You know we could never have any kind of lasting relationship, Mark, and if you're telling yourself we could, you're lying."_

_"You don't want to have a relationship? You don't want to have a family."_

_"I do, just…"_

_"Just what?" Mark snapped impatiently._

_"I wanted to have a baby, Mark…just not with you."_

_"What does that mean, Addie? I don't…"_

_"I was pregnant, Mark. I was pregnant with your baby, and now I'm not."_

_He frowned, running his fingers through his spiky hair. "Addison…"_

_"Maybe it was a mistake, Mark, maybe it wasn't. Maybe I never should have done it, but I know that I can get Derek back, if I just go after him…I know that he still loves me."_

_"What if he doesn't? What if you get to Seattle, get to Derek, and he turns you away? What are you going to do then?" Mark pursed his lips in anger, turning away from me._

_"I…He won't. I have faith. I have faith in a lot of things."_

_"Just not in me," he whispered._

_"No," I answered, shaking my head. "Not in you. I'm sorry."_

_"No," he snapped. "No."_

_I took a step away as he raised his head and his eyes turned dark with anger. "No. You do not get to be sorry for this. You do not get to apologize. You do not get to be forgiven. Because you aren't. And you won't be. Ever."_

I looked around the bathroom, taking in the essence of Izzie's decorating skills. I looked at my watch, noticing that it had been much longer than the required five minutes.

There was a light knock on the door. "Addie?" Meredith called through the wood. "Are you okay in there?"

"I'm fine," I called back.

I took a deep breath, reached up on the counter, and pulled the test down into my lap with my eyes closed. Looking down into my lap, I slowly opened my eyes and took in the results. My fingers closed around the test as tears poured down my cheeks, the sobs coming so suddenly and abruptly that I all of the air rushed out of my lungs and I couldn't breathe.

"Addie?" Meredith started pounding on the door. "Open the door or I'm opening it for you!"

I curled up in a ball on the rug as the sobs wracked my body in waves.

The door opened, slamming back against the wall. Meredith knelt down in front of me, pushing my hair back out of my eyes. "Addie," she whispered, "it's going to be okay."

She scooped me up, folding me in against her chest as I continued to sob. My fingers closed tighter around the hidden pregnancy test.

"Addie, it's okay," she repeated again, rubbing light circles on my back. "You can always adopt, you have options, Addie, don't cry."

I opened my fingers and let the test fall to the floor with a clatter. Pulling out of Meredith's embrace, I grabbed a hunk of toilet paper to blow my nose in.

Meredith picked up the test. "Oh my god," she whispered.

I nodded, my eyes tearing again. "I know."

"Oh my god," she said again. "Oh my god! Addie, you're…"

"Pregnant," I said. "I'm pregnant."


	5. False Labor Pains

I sat on the couch in the living room, my blanket wrapped around me. I clutched the test under the folds of the blanket, keeping it close to me so I could periodically check the results. It felt like a dream; like it was a total impossibility.

The door clicked softly as Alex let himself in, and he jumped as he turned around and saw me sitting there. "Addie, it's, like three in the morning."

"Two," I corrected quietly. "It's only two." My fingers tightened on the test, unwilling to let it go yet.

"Why are you still awake?" he asked, hanging his coat up.

"Waiting for you," I answered. "I was too wound up to sleep."

He came over under the light where I was sitting, leaning in to take a closer look at my face. "Addie, were you crying?"

I laughed as more tears came to my eyes. "Do I look that bad?"

"What's wrong?" he whispered, kneeling in front of me.

I reached under the folds of the blanket and produced the test as tears continued to streak down my face. "Here," I answered quietly, handing it to him. As he studied the test, I added, "Nothing's the matter, I…" before the tears broke completely through and I couldn't speak anymore.

"Addie…" Alex looked at me, and then back at the test. "I thought…"

"So did I," I sobbed. "So did I…but I guess the doctors were wrong."

I folded into Alex's arms, and we cried together.

"You don't cry," I mumbled into Alex's shoulder. "Ever."

"Neither do you," he pointed out.

OooooooooooooooooO

"Addison," Derek said, stepping up beside me at the coffee station in the attending's lounge. "That better be decaffeinated."

I turned around to see a gigantic smile on his face. "Meredith told you, didn't she?"

He nodded, leaning in to give me a quick hug. "I'm happy for you, Addie. I really am."

"Thank you," I answered, trying to keep the astonishment out of my voice.

Derek poured his own coffee, adding a scoop each of cream and sugar. "Alex is excited for the wedding. He just wouldn't shut up about it last night, and that's not usually like him. Usually I'm the one doing all the talking."

I laughed, finished my decaf and throwing away the used cup. "Derek?"

"What's up?" he asked as we walked into the hallway together.

"I'm glad that we can still be friends."

He smiled at me before disappearing into his office.

OooooooooooooooooO

"Okay," Izzie said, "we need to figure out who's sitting where. Probably today. We only have a week left."

"I know, I know," I laughed, "there's just been an awful lot going on."

Izzie leaned back, resting her hands on her ever expanding stomach.

I took the seating chart from her. "Iz, you've already got most of it done!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah," she replied. "I've been a little bored. Alex doesn't have much family coming, pretty much none at all. And I know all the people from the hospital you invited, for the most part."

"You are my hero." I gazed over the chart, taking the pen out of Izzie's hand. "My whole family can go together. There's not a lot of them either."

"I figured," Izzie said, clutching at her abdomen again with a grimace.

"You okay?" I asked, eyeing her hands.

She shook her head. "I've been having a lot more of the false labor stuff. It keeps hurting worse and worse."

"Aw, Iz. Have you tried the hot bath cure?"

Izzie nodded. "And the heating pad. And the getting up and walking around in circles. None of it works. This is the worst. The worse the pain gets, I start to feel sick, and I've been having trouble eating and keeping stuff down."

"Iz, you've got to eat," I insisted.

"I know," she answered. "I have, a little. I've just been really nauseous the past couple days."

"I want to move your exam up from the end of the week to tomorrow, okay?"

She nodded wearily. "That's fine. Maybe you can fix me."

"Definitely. Come in first thing in the morning, okay?"

"I will," she gestured to the chart. "We should finish this."

I looked down again. "Well, there's just the head table. Alex and I are in the middle, obviously. Meredith is next to me, and you'll be next to her. Derek will be next to Alex, and George will be next to Derek. That should do it, right?"

Glancing up, I saw that Izzie was sound asleep. I laughed as she started snoring lightly. "Good night, Iz," I whispered, packing up the charts and letting myself out.

OoooooooooooooooO

"You fell asleep on me last night," I laughed as Izzie put her feet up in the stirrups. "How are you feeling today?"

"I'm okay. Not as many of the Braxton Hicks today. My stomach is still really weird though."

"I bet it's nerves. I told you to relax, Iz." As I was examining, I reported, "You're a centimeter and a half dilated, Iz."

"That's okay, right? I'm okay?"

"You're fine," I reassured her. "Don't be nervous. I think the baby will possibly come a little early, but you'll be fine."

"Okay," she said. "Am I done?"

"Yeah, you're done." I turned my back as she stepped down off the exam table and put her street clothes back on.

"I'll make it through the wedding, and then I'll have the baby," she insisted. "It's only six more days."

"You're at 35 weeks, Iz. You've got some time yet."

"You promise?"

"You'll be fine, Izzie," I laughed. "I'm sorry to laugh at you, but you worry too much."

I gave her shoulder a squeeze and I walked her out. "You're coming to my party, right?"

"Of course," she answered. "I'm going to go home and nap up."

"Take care of yourself, Iz."

"You too, Addie," she answered, reaching out to put a gentle hand on my abdomen. "But I suppose the whole hospital knows by now."

I put my own hand over my abdomen. "I'm sure they probably do."


	6. It's Normal To Be Nervous

Izzie, Cristina, Meredith and I were all seated around a table in the restaurant staring at menus. "Since this is my party, do I get to order for everyone?" I joked.

"Only if you order enough for the pregnant woman," Izzie quipped.

"You aren't the only pregnant woman anymore," I shot back. "You don't know how good it feels to say that," I added with a happy sigh, "you really don't."

"Aw, Addie," Meredith said, "I'm so happy for you."

I watched her carefully, trying to judge whether or not she was thinking of her own lost child.

Reading my mind, she said, "I'm okay, Addie. I promise. I'm really happy for you."

I nodded, going back to my menu.

"You guys are seriously sappy tonight," Cristina pointed out.

"They're both pregnant," Meredith laughed.

"What's your excuse?" Cristina said with a smile. "Seriously. You're never sappy."

"I'm just…happy. I finished writing my new vows for Derek. I'm counting down. I don't know why I'm so excited, I mean, it's not like we haven't done this before, but…" Meredith trailed off, closing her menu.

"It's sweet," Izzie pointed out. "It's very sweet. And I'm ordering one of everything. I can't decide."

"Get the sample platter. It's got a little portion of every appetizer," Cristina said. "I used to get it all the time when I came here with Burke."

"Have you…talked to him?" I asked hesitantly.

"Not since the day he left," she responded quickly. "But I'm so over him. I've been over him for a long time."

The waitress came around and took our orders and our menus.

Once she was gone, I said, "I'm still working on my vows for Alex. I'm trying to get them perfect."

"You have a couple days," Meredith said. "You can get it done."

"I've had it done. Five or six times now."

"Then what's wrong?" Cristina asked. "Just scribble them down on the back of your hand and be done with it."

I laughed. "And I'll get so nervous that I sweat them off? I don't think that's a good idea. I'm going to memorize them. I just have to figure out what I want them to be first."

"Take your time. Make sure they're right," Meredith stated. "Not everyone does it twice like Derek and I."

I dug into the food that the waitress put in front of me, and turned over and over in my head the words that I wanted to say. Putting the fork down, I asked, "Hey guys?"

All three pairs of eyes turned towards me. "Is it…Is it weird that I'm really nervous?"

Izzie put down her fork and gave my hand a squeeze. "It's normal. It's completely normal when you're about to marry the man you're going to be with forever."

"I didn't feel this way before I married Derek," I replied softly. "I'm sorry to talk about it, Mer, I try not to, but…"

"It's okay," she quickly put in.

"I'm just scared."

"Addison, this is a lot for you," Meredith said with a gentle smile. "You're getting married, and you're expecting your first child which is a complete and total miracle. If you weren't a little nervous, I'd be worried."

"You have to be sure," Cristina said down to her plate. "If you're going to marry him, if you're going to take it to that level, you have to be sure. Because if you aren't sure, and you lead him there and let him go…It will break his heart." As we all looked at her in amazement, not used to Cristina sharing her real feelings, she added, "Trust me. I know these things. There's a reason why you guys keep me around."

"I'm not sure if I'm in love with Alex, or in love with the idea of being married again."

"I'm sorry to sound corny," Cristina broke in, "but when you see him, does your heart stop beating for a split second?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but she raised a hand to stop me before I could get any words out.

"When he touches you, does the feeling linger even after he's gone? When you're in room full of people, is he the only one you see? Is he the last one you think about before you go to bed, the first one you think about when you wake up in the morning?"

I nodded slowly.

"He's the one, Addie," Cristina whispered, lifting another forkful of food to her mouth. "You guys are beautiful together."

"And we're going to be parents," I added, letting some of the tension from my nerves lift off of my shoulders.

"Which is something totally beautiful in itself," Izzie pointed out, resting her hands across her stomach.

"It's okay to be nervous, Addie. It's normal. But we're here for you." Meredith pulled the dessert menu out of the middle of the table.

"Five more days," I said as I grabbed my own copy of the dessert menu. "Only five more days."


	7. Nail Polish and Measuring Up

**a.n.-Sorry for the delay everyone—I spent the month of November writing for NaNoWriMo, which I have officially finished (and won!), but I'm back now. ******** This is just a filler chapter leading up to the wedding! Enjoy!**

_Derek leaned back against the cheap hospital chair, folding his hands in his lap. "There's no really easy way to do this, is there?"_

_I shook my head, unable to look at him. "It's over."_

_"Yeah," he agreed._

_"Just that simple."_

_"Yeah," he repeated._

_"You love her more," I added. "You love her more, and you should be with her." I couldn't remember a time in my life when I'd ever been more gracious._

_"Addie…it isn't…"_

_"That's nice of you to say, Derek, but I know that you don't mean it. You don't have to say anything at all."_

_"Addison," he said gently._

_"No," I said, gathering my things and rising to my feet. "We tried. We tried to fix things, we tried to do it right, but we can't. We're never going to make it better. It's over, Derek. Let's just let it go."_

"Alex?" I asked that night as we lay in bed.

"Yeah?" he answered, wrapping his arms around me.

"Why do you love me?"

After several moments of silence, he replied, "Why are you asking me that?"

I shook my head, pulling out of his arms and turning to face him. "Because you should be able to answer without thinking about it. You should just…know." I sat up on the edge of the bed with my back to him.

"Addie…" he said quietly, sitting up behind me and wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

I tried to shrug away from him as I wiped the tears from my eyes, but he held on tight.

"Your smile."

"What?"

"That was the first thing," he explained. "Your smile. And your stubbornness. Your strength. You eyes. Just…you, I guess. Everything that makes you you."

"Okay," I whispered, slipping back into his arms.

"What brought this up, sweetheart?" he whispered.

"How…How do I know…" I stammered, "that you won't leave me some day like Derek did?"

"I won't. This is forever, this commitment is forever."

I blinked back my tears silently as we laid back down across the bed.

"I love you, Addison," Alex said, pulling me towards him so that my head was resting on his chest.

"I love you too," I mumbled into his shoulder.

OooooooooooooooooooO

"Meredith?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah?" she answered, shoving a piece of cotton in between her toes as she finished applying a fresh coat of paint.

After a moment's pause, I whispered hesitantly, "This is going to be okay, right?"

"What?"

Shaking my head, I sprawled out next to her on the floor in front of the fireplace. "Everything. Marriage. Having a baby. Life. It's just a lot."

"It is," she answered solemnly.

"But how do we…"

"Stop thinking about it, Addie," she ordered. "Just stop thinking about it. If we thought deeply about every little thing we do, we would never do anything. So just stop it. Let yourself forget, let yourself live."

I picked at the skin around my thumbnail, digging so deeply that I started to bleed. "I screwed up the first go round. I put a lot of bad things into it, and when you put bad stuff into life, you get bad juju in return. So if I think about it that way…I'm due for the good stuff, wouldn't you say?"

"Stop thinking about it, Addie," Meredith said again.

"I'm due for it," I repeated under my breath. "It's all going to work out."

"Yes it is," agreed Meredith.

"You weren't supposed to hear that."

"I hear everything," she pointed out.

"So I noticed."

"Did you finish your vows?"

"I thought about it," I said sheepishly. "Maybe a little too much. Everything seems so wrong when I write it down. I'm thinking about winging it."

Meredith shrugged.

"I asked Alex what made him fall in love with me. And it was so sweet…" My voice trailed off as I remembered his words from the previous evening. "I want to measure up to that."

"You will, Addie. I promise. We will make tomorrow perfect."

I glanced over at her in disbelief before snatching her nail polish bottle and applying some to my own toes.


	8. The Wedding, Part One

I watched from a chair on the side of the room, sitting in my slip, as Meredith pulled on her dress and spun around for Izzie to zip. "Gorgeous," I commented absently as she did a twirl in front of me.

"Addison, I'm sorry I look like such a cow," Izzie said, struggling into her own dress. "I mean, they practically had to order an extra roll of fabric just for my dress, I think."

I walked up behind her and helped to ease the zipper up her back. "Izzie, it's fine," I assured her. "You look beautiful."

"I bet you can't wait 'till you're this big," Izzie said.

"I have some time yet," I quipped. "Maybe I'll be one of the littler ones."

"You wish," she joked back, one hand on her lower back. Meredith and I both reached out to lower her into a nearby chair.

"You ready to do your makeup?" Meredith asked, pulling out an entire pallet. "I brought supplies. Figured we don't really get to wear it much at work, so we might as well make the most of it."

I smiled, grabbing my fluffy white bathrobe off the back of the chair and pulling it on over my slip. "Just promise me one thing."

"Yeah?" she asked, dragging over a side table to place her makeup supplies on.

"If anything crazy happens, I don't want to know."

"Clarify crazy," Izzie laughed.

"Crazy…like…the photographer forgetting his flash. Because I've heard of the photographer forgetting his flash. And if he does, I…"  
"Don't want to know," Izzie finished.

"Exactly," I confirmed.

"Got it," Meredith nodded, pulling out a brush and selecting some foundation. "It's sort of like surgery," she mused, referring to the makeup. "So precise."

"We don't get to pretty often," I added. "This is a change, actually wearing a lot of makeup."

"Well, you wear it sometimes," Izzie pointed out. "Mer and I don't."

"But I know how to do it," Meredith insisted. "I promise."

"If I look like a neon pony, I'm going to strangle…"

There was a gentle tap at the door, and Derek stepped into the room with his hands over his eyes. "Male doctor entering female doctor dressing room."

"It's okay, Derek," Meredith laughed. "We're all dressed."

"The groom sends his love," Derek said, coming all the way into the room and letting his hands fall to his sides.

"Am I allowed to know that?" I asked. "Doesn't that jinx things?"

"Keep still," Meredith griped, smacking me lightly on the shoulder. "Some of us are working."

"That's a first," Derek replied, raising an eyebrow. "And you just aren't allowed to see him," he added to me. "The rest of can see him whenever we like."

"Thanks, Derek, for the insight."

"Any time." He got down on the ground in front of me, squatting so that he was right at my eye level. "Listen, Addie…"

"What?" I asked.

"I just wanted to…Good luck. With all of this. The baby, Alex, all of it. You deserve this."  
My eyes filled with tears, some of which leaked over and trailed onto my cheeks. I was rewarded with another whack from Meredith, who then reached out and hit Derek as well. "Stop making her cry, I'm trying to finish this up!"

Raising his hands in surrender, he stood up and backed away towards the door. "Okay, truce."

"Thank you, Derek," I whispered, wiping another tear out of the corner of my eye.

"I meant every word," he answered, slipping out the door. "See you…in there."

Meredith spun the chair around so that I could look at myself in the mirror. I nodded admirably. "Nicely done." I turned towards Izzie. "What do you think, Iz?"

"It's good," she said quietly. "But I can't wait to see it with the veil, once we get your hair all situated."

I stood up and unzipped the bag that held my dress as Meredith asked, "Iz, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just tired."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure," she laughed. "Geese, Meredith."

Meredith helped me pull the dress out of the bag, laying it carefully across the chair back as I took my robe off. "Hold your arms up over your head," she instructed, and I did as I was told.

She opened the folds of the dress and lowered it over my head. It settled perfectly around my middle, and crease of fabric falling exactly where it was supposed to. As I stared at my reflection in the mirror, Meredith ducked behind me to spread out my train.

"It's beautiful," I whispered. "Is it me?"

"It's you," she answered. "It's completely…perfect."

Cristina stuck her head into the room. "Are you guys just about ready?" she asked.

"Just about," Meredith answered, settling the veil on my head. "Doesn't she look gorgeous?"

I blushed as fiercely as my hair when Cristina answered, "Completely."

Meredith and Cristina both offered Izzie a hand and helped her up out of the chair. "Thanks guys," she said, leaning back against the wall as she adjusted to being on her feet.

"All right?" Meredith asked, looking at me.

"I'm good," I answered.

Cristina held the door open for as we got ready to go out in the hall.

"Hey, Addie?" Izzie whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I know you didn't want to know about anything…crazy…but…"

I took one look at her face and found my eyes trailing down to the puddle of water at her feet.

"My water just broke."


	9. The Wedding, Part Two

"Oh my God," Meredith moaned, "Izzie, are you kidding? How long have you been having contractions?"

"All day," she mumbled shakily. "I thought it…" Izzie's voice trailed off as she helplessly shook her head.

Cristina grabbed Izzie by the elbow and helped her to lower to the floor. "You aren't helping, Mer."

Izzie groaned softly, her features contorting as she bit down on her lip.

"Contraction?" I asked, automatically glancing over at the clock hanging on the wall.

She nodded, still clamped down on her lip and holding her breath.

"Iz, you have to breathe," I said quietly. "Do you remember?"

Shaking her head furiously, she balled her hands into fists and clutched at the sides of her dress until the contraction released her. "It's still too early," she gasped. "I didn't want…I'm sorry, Addie."

"It's fine, Iz," I reassured her. "Everything's going to be just fine." To Cristina, I barked, "Go tell Alex and George what's happening."

Cristina nodded, turning around and running out of the room.

Meredith stepped right in behind me to help me out of my dress without me even having to ask. Stepping out of her own dress, we knelt in front of Izzie on the floor in our slips. "What do we do now?"

Izzie's eyes flashed wildly around the room as she answered, "Wait for the next one, right?"

I nodded, my eyes on the clock, until I felt Izzie's nails digging down into my palm. "This is fast," I whispered to no one in particular.

"How long?" Meredith asked.

"Not quite two and a half minutes apart. She's pretty much in active labor."

I glanced down at Izzie, watching her entire body shudder as she fought against the contraction. Wiping her sweaty hair off of her forehead, I said again, "Iz, you've got to breathe for me, okay?"

"No," she winced as the contraction ended.

"That one lasted forty five seconds," I replied. "This baby is coming right now. Help me," I said to Meredith, gesturing to her dress. Together, we lifted her arms up over her head, slipping off her dress. Heaving her upright, we moved her so that she was lying more comfortably in one of the chairs, her legs on the footrest.

The door to the room slammed open as the men rushed in. "What's going on?" George asked, stopping so suddenly as he skidded into the room that Alex almost crashed into him.

"The baby is coming. Now."

"I called an ambulance," Cristina said, slipping back into the room.

"It's too late for that," I snapped as Izzie slipped into another contraction. "This baby is coming really fast."

I let George slip past me so that he could hold Izzie's hand and I could slip into delivery position. "Iz, I'm here," he said. "You have to breathe."

She made eye contact with him and nodded, moving easily into her breathing exercises. "Good," I praised them. "Meredith and Alex," I ordered, "if you could find me some warm towels, anything that could serve as a towel here, that would be great. Cristina, go meet the ambulance and let them know where we're at."

The three of them left the room without an argument.

Kneeling down, I pushed Izzie's slip up above her knees so that I could get a look.

"I'm sorry, Addie," she repeated, sobbing quietly. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Izzie, it's okay," I consoled her.

"Your wedding…"

"Will happen," I finished. "Right now, we're having a baby. That's a little…more pertinent."

As Izzie breathed through another contraction, George met my gaze worriedly over her knees. "Is this okay?" he asked. "This seems way faster than when we had Doug…"

Without answering him, I said to Izzie, "You're fully dilated. When the next contraction comes, you need to push."

She nodded, closing her eyes as she tried to catch her breath. George said nothing at all, just glanced at his wife with concern in his eyes. Years of labor and delivery experience helped me recognize that Izzie was gearing up for another contraction. "Okay, Izzie, you have to push."

Nodding again, she did as I instructed.

"This is going to over before you know it," I reassured her. "My fast delivery ever," I joked, in a futile effort to get her to laugh.

Meredith returned to the room with towels in tow. "This is all I can find," she said apologetically, dropping to the floor beside me.

"It will have to do."

As Izzie went into the next contraction, the baby was crowning.

"Keep pushing, Izzie," I said. "You're doing great. The next one might be it."

"Come on, Iz," George encouraged. "Give it everything, you're doing awesome."

Cristina stuck her head into the room, adding to the chaos of the moment. "The paramedics are here."

"Keep them out," Meredith shooed her. "The baby is almost here."

Izzie braced against the chair and George's grasp, giving one final push. The baby was suddenly out and crying in my arms. I wrapped it quickly in a towel. "It's a girl," I announced.

Beaming, Izzie reached up to latch on to George's hand as her eyes drifted shut. I placed the baby into her arms, and she and George leaned together to share some private bonding.

Forgetting that I was still only in my slip, I exited the room and went into the hall where Alex was waiting. "You're something," he whispered, slipping off his jacket and draping it over my shoulders. "You're really something, you know that?"

"I'm wearing my slip," I laughed, as he drew me into his arms.

"I noticed."

"We didn't get married…" I said, less lightly.

"The priest is still here…" Alex said hesitantly. "I mean…We could…"

"Izzie and George are okay now. You could do it," Meredith piped in. "The paramedics are here, they can take care of Iz…It won't be the big wedding it once was, but…You'll be together."

"That's what counts, right?" I whispered.

Alex nodded solemnly. "I'm ready if you are."

I took both of his hands in mine. "Then…Let's do this."


	10. Love Is Everything

"I used to think that I couldn't love again; that I was so broken apart by everything from the past that I could never be whole. I used to think that miracles couldn't happen; that life itself would never truly happen for me. But when I look into your eyes, I can see that everything I want is well within my reach…as long as I am holding your hand." I smiled slightly as Meredith pressed a Kleenex into my hand from her position behind me, and I dabbed the tissue to my eyes as I continued, "I always said that if love were enough, I would be able to see the world as truly beautiful, in a way that I never could before. But until you, I never believed that love could ever be enough. I know now that it is…that you are…and that you always will be. I love you," I finished.

_I love you too._ Alex mouthed.

"I want you to know that I do, Alex. I do. All of it, every part of this…I do."

Alex glanced sideways at the priest, seeking unspoken permission.

The priest closed his Bible and said quietly, "You may kiss the bride."

Clutching both of my hands in his, Alex drew me forward. "You are beautiful," he murmured, before his lips locked on to mine.

"You are too," I responded in between kisses.

"Get a room, you two," I heard Meredith crack from somewhere behind us. But as Alex and I embraced, everything around us faded away until it was just he and I left in the world.

OoooooooooooooO

"Hey," I said, dropping into the chair by Izzie's bedside.

"Hey," she replied, exhaustedly. "Did you get married?"

"I did," I smiled.

"You are a rockstar."

"So are you."

"You first," she joked.

"You had a baby, Iz. That's incredible."

Her brow furrowing, she whispered, "I did, didn't I?"

"You're really something."

"Yeah…" she said, her voice trailing off.

"What's her name?"

"Savannah Rose O' Malley."

I brushed Izzie's hair away from her forehead and stood up. "I'll let you get some rest. I'll be back tomorrow."

"Okay," she nodded, her eyes closing. Before I was out the door, she added, "Your baby is going to be very lucky to have you for a mommy, Addie."

Slipping out of the room, I shut the door behind me.

_Love is enough…_I thought to myself, _I finally know that love is enough…I always wanted just a little bit more. More trust. More life. More love. And I thought that if I just had more…just had more love…I would be okay. I think I thought about it all wrong. Love is REALLY everything. _Holding a hand to my abdomen, I pushed the button for the elevator. _Love makes the heart keep beating. Love keeps us strong. Love keeps us going. Love makes us wiser. Loves fills us. Love frees us._

The elevator door opened up to the waiting room, and I stepped out into Alex's open arms.

_Love is everything._


End file.
